River Rat Running Club

A Pigs Tail by Jacob Ryan James

 

5 characters

 

Mother: The mother of the 3 little pigs and is fed up with them.

The Big Bag Wolf: A nice guy that is struggling with his allergies while keeping his online streaming going.

Poindexter: The smart pig and builds his house of bricks.

Pepto: The nervous pig and builds his house of sticks.

Runt: The jock and builds his house of straw.

 

Open with mother and the three little pigs.

 

Scene 1 - Kicked Out of the Pigpen

Three little pigs argue over who’s the favorite, but their mom has had enough and kicks them out to learn the real meaning of family - and the harsh reality of the outside world!

 

Poindexter: I know for a scientific fact, I am mother’s favorite! 

RUNT: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m mommy’s favorite.  

PEPTO: Uh, uh I might be, I guess.  She spends more, more time with me. 

RUNT: Only because she babies you. 

Poindexter: It’s because mother has to give you so many medications every day. 

RUNT:  Ha! You take medicine. What a wimp.

PEPTO: medicine doesn’t make me a wimp. We’re the three little pigs, is it a surprise that I caught the swine flu!? 

MOM: That’s enough! I’m your mother and I’ve had it with you guys. It’s time you guys get a taste of the real world. I’m done letting you just waste away in this pin. 

RUNT: What does that mean?

PEPTO: Uh, uh, I don’t think I like the sound of that. 

MOM: You shouldn’t. I’m kicking you out. You three little pigs spend so much time fighting - you need to move out and help each other make it in the world. 

Poindexter: I’d have an easier time teaching pigs to fly than helping these two “make it”!

MOM: Don’t pretend that you’re the brainiest boar in the whole barn just because you have a spider friend who can read.

Poindexter: Oh mother. 

MOM: Out! You all get out right now and don’t come back until you all build your own house!

ALL THREE PIGS: But

MOM: Now!!

RUNT: Ok… but who is your favorite?

MOM: It’s your big brother Hormel, because he moved out and gave me grand piglets! Now get! 

 

Scene 2 - Straw, Sticks, and Shenanigans

In a chaotic big box barn store, the three little pigs struggle to decide on building materials for their dream homes, while they discuss neighborhood gossip, and the ever-looming threat of a runt with delusions of grandeur!

 

Poindexter: Alright my brothers! (arms outstretched) Here we’ll find everything we need to build the homes of our dreams!

PEPTO: Can we really get what we need here? I mean, it’s a barn. (picks up a hay bale) Look at this! What are we gonna do? Build our houses out of hay?

RUNT: I’m just sayin’, we could have at least gone to a Home Depot.

PEPTO: I do NOT feel good about this! Where’s my medicine? My ulcer’s acting up!

RUNT: Ya know, most pigs can eat a rusty nail and be just fine. You're the only guy I know that drinks more Pepto Bismol than pig slop. Isn’t that right, Pepto?!

PEPTO: (finishing a drink from the medicine bottle) You can make fun of me all you want. Call me Pepto. But, don’t cry to me when you come down with dysentery like Grandpa!

Poindexter: Guys! Let’s focus on the task at hand… our new homes!

RUNT: So, where are you gonna build your new house?

PEPTO: I don't know - It's a big decision. I can't make a decision like this without eating. I feel like a cow with two empty stomachs!

Poindexter: Well, I was thinking of building right next to mom. I don't know though. The neighborhood has really gone downhill lately.

RUNT: (shakes his head in disbelief, almost disgust) So overcrowded... can barely find a clean patch of mud these days.

PEPTO: And I don't even know a lot of these animals that have moved in. Like that house down the street! Empty for years, and then suddenly somebody moves in, and they never introduce themselves! Very shady!

Poindexter: Overcrowded! We don’t know our neighbors! And property values in this pigsty are still going up! It would take me a year to save up enough for a place in this neighborhood.

RUNT: Sounds like a house in this neighborhood would cost... a lotta bacon!" (Laughs at his own joke)

(beat)

PEPTO: Ya know that joke isn't funny no matter how many times you use it, RUNT.

RUNT: My name... is Horrace! Not RUNT. I am NOT a runt.

Poindexter: Well not anymore! But, you were so tiny when we were little, I remember when we played in the mud puddles after it rained, mom would hire a lifeguard just for you!

RUNT: Stop it!

PEPTO: You needed a step stool to reach the trough until you were 6 months old!

RUNT: Yeah, well I'm HUGE now! I follow a strict cardio and lifting regimen and I journal my feelings!

PEPTO: Yeah, you're huge... RUNT! You know mom used to put growth hormones into your breakfast.

RUNT: (offended) Hey! The US Department of Agriculture says that low levels of growth hormone are PERFECTLY acceptable in swine livestock feed! I'll show you! I'll show all of you, I'm gonna' build my house outta this! (grabs something off the shelf)

Poindexter: Runt, that is straw... hardly an acceptable building material.

RUNT: I don't need a strong house! I can protect myself! THESE PORK CHOPS ARE MADE OF USDA GRADE A STEEL, BABY! (grabs his straw and runs out)

(beat)

PEPTO: …He’s become such an animal lately.

Poindexter: (shaking his head) Just more proof that farmers shouldn’t inject their livestock with steroids.

(From the PA system, a blip of radio static, then)
PA: Shoppers, please make your final selections and bring them to the counters for purchase.

Poindexter: I wonder where they keep the drywall mud.

PEPTO: (genuinely confused) Do you need to take a bath?

 

 

Scene 3 - Wolves, Allergies, and TikTok Tales

Big Bad Wolf vlogs his way to Granny’s for a cookie review, but his pollen allergies turn his hype into a health battle!

 

(BB-DUB, aka Big Bad Wolf, is walking down the street with his phone in selfie-mode. The guy’s making a tiktok video. He speaks in a laid back, cool voice. He’s straight up street!)

 

BBW: Sup wolfpack?! It’s yur boi! BeeBee-Dub… dat’s Big Bad Wolf! (barks like a hype-man introducing the headliner) WOOF! WOOF! Hey y’all, on my way to Grannie’s for a little cookie review, yuh knuh whah I’m sayin’? I hear ‘dey FIRE… AA-AA-CHOO! (tries again) FI… AA-CHOO!

 

(he cuts the tiktok personna, back to his actual voice. He’s not as street as it seemed. But, he’s even tempered and likable. He still talks to his phone.)

 

BBW: Sorry guys! I guess it’s harvest time and the pollen count has been crazy! Old McDonald needs to invest in some… carbon capture equipment or somethin’ because my allergies are so bad right now…

I tried to howl at the moon last night and ended up sounding like a howler monkey choking on peanut butter  …listen to this… (makes some kind of awful ungodly sound, lots of snorting and nasal-y grossness). Anyway… aaa-choo! I ran out of allergy pills. And wouldn’t ya’ know it, the pharmacy was closed. And the allergy medicine I use, Huff-and-Puff Relief, not sponsored, is behind the counter! So, now I’m walking back from the pharmacy and I guess I’m just gonna suffer (notices his neighbor’s house). Oh hey, I bet my neighbors might have some. (to his phone) BeeBee-Dub out y’all!

 

Scene 4 - Allergy Alert at the Straw House

Big Bad Wolf seeks allergy relief from his pig neighbor, Runt, but a sneeze turns into chaos, revealing the fragility of the straw house.

 

BBW: (knocking on the door) Howdy neighbor. Are you home my friend?

(RUNT looks down from a window above the front door)

RUNT: Well, well, well. A friendly neighborhood transient, huh?

BBW: (looking up) Ha. Hardly a transient my… uh, piggy pal.

RUNT: A wolf, huh? My mommy warned me about your kind. (getting very reflective and nostalgic) During those late night bed time stories when I was just a piglet. 

BBW: Actually, my hognosed homie… I’m wondering if you have any… ahhh-ahhh-ahhh

RUNT: (reminiscing) I remember those stories…”when a wolf starts to grin… never give in!”

BBW: (avoiding the sneeze) Ahh…Wooo. I’m actually wondering if you have any allergy medicine?!

RUNT: Medicine? A fine attempt to confuse me. Well I listened to those bedtime stories and learned never to trust a predator. I make my own bedtime stories these days, Mr. Wolf!

BBW: My friend, I assure you, I’m no threat! I’m just looking for some help.

RUNT: (ignoring the wolf at this point) If you want to conquer the HUFF and the PUFF! Just hit up those WEIGHTS, and get SUPER BUFF! (realizing the cleverness of what he said) I should trademark that.

BBW: Ahh… ahh… sorry friend, those are some great nursery rhymes, but I think your house is making my allergies worse.

RUNT: Yeah, in hindsight, building my house out of straw was an awful choice. I should have listened to my brother Pointdexter

BBW: Ahh… ahhh… chooo!!!!

(tho whole house shakes and crumbles. RUNT falls to the ground)

RUNT:  My… my house!

BBW: I’m so sorry! I couldn’t help it!

RUNT: I’ve worked so hard beefing up these ham hocks and I thought my straw house would be as strong as me! I’m gonna fish my diary out of this mess, and journal about my feelings while I run to my brother’s house!

BBW: (calling after him) Do you think he has any allergy medicine??

 

Scene 5 - Sticks and Snot

Big Bad Wolf attempts to apologize for the destruction of Runt's straw house but accidentally unleashes chaos again at Pepto’s stick house, proving that even the best defenses can’t stand up to allergies and a wolf-sized sneeze!

 

BBW: (speaking to his phone, still speaking casually as himself) Sup wolfpack, BeeBee-dub here with an update. A-Choo! Well, turns out pigs aren’t very well trained in structural engineering. A house made out of straw? It’s like they got their blueprints from a scarecrow with no experience in the field! One accidental sneeze and I really opened that pig’s floor plan. Well, that pork pulled out of there so fast, I can’t even find him to apologize. Onto the next house, maybe I’ll get my hands on some medicine. (Puts phone away)

 

(knocks on the door)

 

BBW: Excuse me… anyone home?

PEPTO: (looking through the peephole) Is that the one that attacked you, brother?

(RUNT pushes PEPTO aside and looks)

RUNT: Oh yeah, that’s him.

BBW: Hey there friend. So, sorry to bother you…

RUNT: Oh! He is fer-OCIOUS!

PEPTO: You can just go away Mr. Wolf! Why… I, uh. I built this house to be 100% predator proof. Or, at least I think I did. 

RUNT: You heard him!

BBW: Oh, hey is that you my pig friend? From the straw house? A-Choo! Hey, I’m sorry about your place! A-Choo! I’m just looking for some allergy medicine.

RUNT: Nice try big bad wolf! Step aside Pepto, I’ll brace the door. He’s already started his huff and puff of death!

PEPTO: You can’t pull the wool over our eyes with that fake friendly act! Ha! You’ll never be able to blow down this house! On the inside, I used three layers of paint on these walls, even though the can said I only need to apply two coats! And the attic is double insulated!

RUNT: And I painted outside camouflage, so good luck even finding us, Mr. Wolf!

BBW: Is your house made of sticks? That’s not good for my allergies! A, A-Choo! Oh.. I’ve got snot all over my chinny-chin-chin! A- Choo!

(RUNT and PEPTO brace against the mighty wind)

PEPTO: My house!

RUNT: Don’t worry! I’m still bracing the door.

PEPTO: The door is all that’s left!

BBW: Not again, I’m so sorry guys!

RUNT: How did he even FIND us!? (throws the door aside and hits the wolf) Jump into my arms Pepto!

(PEPTO puts his arm around RUNT’s shoulders and hops into his arms)

PEPTO: Let’s get outta’ here quick!

(RUNT runs away with PEPTO in his arms)

 

 Scene 6:  House of bricks. BBW can’t believe it’s another pig and the two from before.  Runt and Pepto are telling poindexter how horrible the wolf is while the wolf tries to reason with poindexter.  

 

RUNT: Dexter let us in! (pounding on the door)

PEPTO: Yea hurrrrry he’s right behind us!

POINDEXTER: Runt? Pepto? Is that you.

RUNT: Yeaaa, and we got a Big Bad Wolf hot on our tails!

(Poindexter hurries to the door to let them in)

POINDEXTER: what on earth is happening.  Runt you look as nervous as Pepto.

RUNT: See, There's this wolf and he came knocking on my door. Now, I don't get too many knocks on my door so I thought wow, maybe that new back massager I ordered off amazon was here, but no.  It was not my…

PEPTO:  (looking out the window) Hurry up with the story the Wolf is heading down the walk way!

RUNT: ok, like I was saying, it wasn't the amazon box.  It was a wolf!

POINDEXTER: And what did the wolf want?

PEPTO:  He claimed he had allergies but we knew he wanted to eat us!

POINDEXTER: Did he say he wanted to eat you?

RUNT: Well no..

POINDEXTER: Well, what exactly did he say.

PEPTO: He.. he said he wanted some medicine…

RUNT: But not like polite, at all

POINDEXTER: you nitwits, clearly this “big bad wolf” was just looking for some help from a neighbor and your simple, simple brains went into hyper drive

RUNT: hyper… what 

POINDEXTER:  ughhh. Exactly. I’m just going to open the door and have a clear and direct conversation with him. 

PEPTO: Oh no. I can’t watch. 

 

(Wolf pounds on door out of breath).

BBW: please please open up. The pollen out here is killing me!

POINDEXTER:  Oh my he is demanding. Did he say something about killing me? My overly thick door makes it hard to hear.  

PEPTO: Please dont open it. He wants to eat us!

BBW: Please.  I just need some “Huff and Puff relief.”   It’s been a long day, the store was closed, then the first house was made of straw so just by knocking on that door my allergies got worse and I couldn’t stop sneezing for like 20 min then a pig threw a door at me like.  Then this house of sticks just practically fell down when I knocked it was put together so bad I got a bunch of splinters from it. And man do they hurt. Now I hobbled all the way over here. I just need some huff and puff. Night time would be great if you got it. 

POINDEXTER Brothers I sorry I doubted you. He wants to Huff and Puff our house down!   Now without further Adieu, my wolf deterrent system!

RUNT: I like Adieu

PEPTO: What's Adieu

RUNT: It's the best.  We definitely want our Adieu to go further, not less Poindexter.

Pondexter:  How are we related….. NOW my wolf deterrent system.  It's called the Chinny Chin Chin 3,000

(unvails the system pulling a sheet off of it)  This is it. A one of a kind home protection system.  Is a house of bricks enough? Not in today's society! We can find a full steel cage with laser beam guidance to find the intruder.  Then the Omega tron arms reach down to finally catapult away the offending party!

RUNT: We are defending the house with, a cat?

POINDEXTER No. There are no cats involved, it's a catap…

PEPTO: So, kittens. Do we distract them with cuteness?

BBW: Hey guys, I really could use some help. My my eyes are so itchy they feel like they're on fire

RUNT: He wants to light us on fire! I don’t think any number of kittens will help with that. 

POINDEXTER enough about cats CHINNY CHIN CHIN ACTIVATE! 

Computer voice: Activating defense systems. Please move to the center of the room. Next of Ken being notified. 

PEPTO: It’s calling mother?

RUNT: Who's Ken?

POINDEXTER: Just shush and hold still. You don’t want it to think you are attacking me. 

BBW: Hey guys please I just need something ahahhh ahhha. It’s getting rough out here with all this pollen. FYI I’m also allergic to cats so let's just avoid those too.

POINDEXTER: Not today Mr wolf. You can’t fool us with your fake sneezing. You're not getting in my house of bricks!

RUNT: Yea what he said. 

PEPTO: Release the kittens!

Poindexter: Ughh

Computer voice: Threat detected! 

BBW: Wait, what is that thing?  

Computer Voice: Eliminating Threat.

BBW: (makes noise as picked up by catapult  Then screams)  

Computer Voice: Threat eliminated.  System will return to stand by mode. You are safe to move about the pigsty. 

 

 

Scene 7:  Mom comes in to check on them.  Tells them the story about how his poor neighbor couldn’t get any allergy medicine and she helped him out. 

 

Mom: Boys I came to check on you because I got some strange call from a computer. 

Poindexter: Ah, yes my Chinny Chin Chin 3,000

Runt:  Haha, he said chinny. 

Mom: Whatever. I would have been here sooner but when I stepped outside this poor wolf fell into our front pin. The poor guy was just sneezing up a storm from his allergies so I had to go find him some of our Huff-and-Puff relief. Once that started working the poor guy seemed to have had a long day, but he was so nice he even said he would have me over for dinner.